Why does every single conversation I have with someone feel like a performance. I am performing the act of communicating which to most, comes naturally but for me, it’s like I need 100% of my cognitive capacity and to constantly calculate the best response, best tone, best gestures for the given moment and then do it over and over again perfectly until the conversation ends in order to have had a normal one and it’s so exhausting I feel like a fucking robot
I seen a post that said “people are scared of healing because their entire identity has been centered around the trauma they’ve experienced. They have no idea who they are outside of trauma…..” And that hits so deep.
An abandoned home in Detroit [1513x1200]
in therapy my therapist and i were talking about my own feelings of self worth in relationships. and she asked me to say qualities about myself that someone else would be attracted to, on a romantic and platonic level. so i named some things like compassionate, empathetic, etc. and she said “you named things that you can give someone. ways you can serve, rather than ways that you are” and y'all..my mind was blown that’s gonna stick with me forever like she then proceed to tell me actual innate qualities about myself that she liked and thought anyone else would like as well and i hadn’t even considered those because like she said i was focused on things i could do outwardly to attract and maintain connections rather than who i was as a person..goddamn!!! thats tea!!!
With this in mind, this also makes me think of the ways people describe us. When people say the reasons that they love/like you or describe you as a person, are they only naming ways that you serve them? Are they equating your worth with how much you do for them?
ex. “You’re such a good listener. You’re so generous, you’re so compassionate. You’re always there for me. You always hold me down. You’re reliable”
vs.
“You’re so funny! You’re very vibrant. You’re creative, passionate, and intelligent. You’re optimistic. You’re so talented at ____” , etc. I think that’s very telling.
This FUCKED relationships up too because once this hit me, I realized people can just be in love with the way you make them feel instead of who you actually are. ALWAYS pay attention to the last little “vs” bit there because it IS super telling
